ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
