just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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