this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize