Porn is love you can see.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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