My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize