Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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