i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
