Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm bleeding and have questions
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
