ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
