How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
