im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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