That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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