a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
