Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Your penis caused this!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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