NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Drake has all the answers
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
