I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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