My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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