WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
