Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
