Too much gin, very little bucket
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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