I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
