end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
