I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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