you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
