I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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