I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
