I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
