Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
