why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
