Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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