Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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