i think my mom watched the whole time
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
