I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
