life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
