My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
