i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
