Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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