you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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