pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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