Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
