You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
