I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize