Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
