this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
