Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
