youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
