Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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