do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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