my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
