just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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