i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
