I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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