who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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