please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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