This is not my ceiling
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
