Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
even my farts smell like vagina
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
