my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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