i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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