True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
