i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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